…Still breathing? …Uncertain…check? :/

I have always strongly believed that life as a teenager in this day and age was difficult, where peer pressure, struggling with self-confidence, figuring out the world and questions about life and who you are, are in abundance and consume those years.   I always assumed that when you reach your twenties, those years of teenage angst, learning and discovery end and life is a breeze.  This couldn’t be any further from the truth as it doesn’t get any easier when you’re age begins with the number 2.  If anything, it is just as hard.

Pretty much every teenager dreams of being an “adult”, yet the glamorisation of adulthood we’ve grown up with as Millennials, has given us all this image of what life will be like without telling us that it doesn’t just happen and that there is a whole process involved.  You have to learn how to break habits and be open to saying yes and knowing when to say no, take risks, explore your interests, work hard and most importantly take time to rest.  We were never taught “how to adult well”, but were thrown from the comfortable womb of school and education into this world of taxes, bills, dealing with confrontation and passive aggressive emails, conversations about marriage, career progression and expected to know what to do.

The thing is, nobody told us that there would be this many options, opportunities and avenues one could take.  You had to make a decision – an educational decision at least – and stick with it at the age of 16 and 17 and apply to university when you hadn’t even seen the world yet or knew if your love for reading and literature was just a hobby or something you were willing to commit the next three to four years of your life studying vigorously.

You finally hit your twenties and after realising you don’t want to work in your qualified field anymore, or your three year relationship just ended and you have to get used to doing life differently again, or that doing your own laundry doesn’t just involve bunging everything into the washing machine at 30 degrees but there are items you have to dry clean; everything feels like the way it felt when you found out Santa wasn’t real.

A struggle, that it is, but you get on with things.  It isn’t until you’re thrust into situations with your peers who all seem to be on the right track or in conversations with people older than you who don’t quite understand why you work so much or so little or why you haven’t done any mission work yet, you discover just how insecure and almost ashamed you feel.

Living in a world full of, “Oh you’re 25? That’s alright.  I have no doubt you have it all together then,” where there is this pressure to live up to a certain standard of having a stable life, knowing what you are doing and having a five-year plan; does nothing but make you freak out about not living up to that standard, not knowing what you’re doing and questioning what on earth is wrong with you for not having a five-year plan.

But that right there is the gold.  It wasn’t just me who felt this way.

After many failed attempts of trying to meet a friend of mine for dinner as we were both simultaneously battling repeated flu occurrences, in a heated text conversation about the area of ‘adulting’ and being unwell, I realised I wasn’t alone:

CH: “Yes no one warns you about how much you need to just look after yourself as an adult?? Plus I think everyone in London just puts pressure on themselves…”
ME: “They should add it to the National Curriculum! That and just learning “how to adult” full stop! Stuff like this makes me wish I was the Secretary of State for Education, Nicky Morgan should just retire early and hand it all over to us Millennials and Gen Ys so we can save the generations that are to follow us…Sigh, I’ll stop ranting.” 

The fact that for people this has become something to be insecure about or feel ashamed about bugged me – hence this rather hefty blog post.  Figuring stuff out and not having it all together is not something to be ashamed about.  The world has a secret and it’s a secret that they don’t want you to know, but it is this, nobody has it all figured out.  Nobody.

Feeling like everyone else has it together and you are a billion steps behind was something I at first thought I was alone in, but boy was I wrong.  In the last few weeks I have spoken to so many people who feel the same and are in the exact same position.  Even those people you think have it together don’t have it together.  It’s sobering to know and remember that everyone is at different places in their lives and everyone is still learning just like you.

In his book 101 Secrets for your Twenties, Author and leading voice to and for the Millennial generation, Paul Angone says,

"Are you freaked out that you have no idea what you’re doing? Perfect! So is everyone else.
Even the so-called experts sometimes don’t have a clue. 
Sometimes they have simply mastered the art of Perceived Credibility."

It is impossible to have everything figured out by the time you’re 23, or well, ever.  No one ever has anything figured out even if they think they do.

When you feel yourself getting down about not having your ‘stuff’ together, here are just three things to either do or remember to help get you out of that funk:

1) We should embrace the freedom that we have to try different things and not rush into something just to get our feet planted.  On her blog The Next Stage, Maria Goodwin talks about being in her twenties in the 70s where the next few years of your life was decided for you.  Enjoy and appreciate the fact that if you got or are getting married in your 20s, that a honeymoon is an option.  For Maria and others then, a honeymoon was out of the equation because of finances.  Going on to discuss other things she experienced, Maria writes,

“In 1975 we investigated the possibility of building an extension on our little house to make a third bedroom. I asked a lot of questions of fellow staff who had been through this process. In those days the council building inspector would come out and draw a rough site plan for you, which I did organise.   We then got some quotes and then I went to the bank where I had had an account since I was 14 and applied for a loan. The bank manager, an older man, smiled at my request and then refused as he said that I needed to bring my husband in to apply for the loan as the bank did not lend to married women...apparently we would go off and have babies and couldn’t repay the loan.”

Things are very different now so count yourself blessed.

2) When I eventually met up with my friend for dinner last week after the flu had vanished from both of our systems, we obviously discussed this further and she told me her heroes were two artists – Louise Bourgeouis and Saloua Raouda Choucair.

Louise Bourgeouis was a sculptor, printmaker and draughtswoman who worked for decades and her work wasn’t discovered until her last days in her 70s.

Similarly, Saloua Raouda Choucair’s work wasn’t discovered until her 90s.  In 2011 a major retrospective of her work was held at the Beirut Exhibition Center as well as a Tate Retrospective not long after.

Creators like this are ones to remind you that if you are that person who wants to pursue a music career or share your love for pottery with the world that just because you haven’t gained much recognition or income within the first couple of years, doesn’t mean you should give up.

3) Let the excitement about what other people are doing over power that negative little voice that asks “well what are you doing with your life?” There is beauty in celebrating others and being proud of them fulfilling their dreams.  If anything, let that encourage you more to also take those bold steps of faith in whatever you desire to do.

Rather than letting the question “So what do you do?” make you want to jump into a never ending abyss and leave all your cares behind; smile, hold your head high, remember all the big and little things you have accomplished so far (and by little I mean even as little as remembering to pay the rent on time) and know that those things alone mean something to you and you are still learning “to adult” and that’s all that matters.  It could be worse.

Being in your twenties is supposed to be messy.  It is supposed to be full of change.  It is supposed to be full of disappointment.  Yet at the same time it will have its portions of adventure, developing and discovering passions, amazing opportunities and incredible stories to tell when you’re 65.  Don’t take this time for granted.  Don’t despise the time of having to change jobs.  Don’t despise this time of the unknown.  Besides, who’s going to be the ones to tell the generations to come that it’s ok?  If that opportunity is there, I know I would volunteer.